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No time for love

All men are brothers; chicks, too
Dear Dr. Jones
by GZO Jones

here do old Beats go to retire? GZO Jones headed for Brazil. We've found scant documentation that he can even keep a beat, but that has nothing to do with the fact that Jones always makes deadline and, one way or another, never shies away from a question. He likes to consider himself some sort of missing link between the 1950s and the new century. We like to consider that he works cheap.

Dear Dr. Jones,

I'm surprised you haven't weighed in on the question of gay marriage ... how come?

A. Jackass

Dear Jackass,

Because everyone else is doing it.

You see, to exploit a terrible metaphor, an old dog like me gets choicer cuts by letting the pups fight over the first scraps that fall. That way the chances are much less likely that I'll get bitten.

It's hard to be in step with the young, and the more gratuitous the "izzle" you insert into your speech, the less credibility you have. How to circumvent this? Catch issues on the bounce, act like you know what you're talking about and weigh in just after it's not the buzz ... but before it's dead.

An old hipster's window of opportunity with young hipsters is "short and hard, like a bodybuilding elf," as the song goes.

So the homo-gays? I'm not the first one to suggest that if they wanna be as miserable as everyone else, well, let them get married. God bless their deviant souls.

Unless it's intended as art, who cares what goes on in other people's pants? Like a certain underappreciated modern philosopher-king said: "All men are brothers; chicks, too. That is all."

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Is Martha Stewart guilty and will she really go to the slam?

Good Thing

Dear GT,

Sonny boy, I imagine she is but I don't think it's going to happen. If it does, though, I'm only human – I wanna see the prison-yard lesbian exploitation flick based on her story.


– Jones

Examine more advice from GZO Jones, visit his Web site and e-mail your question, large or small, to gzojones@hotmail.com.

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