No
time for love
I
feel so much better now ...
Dear
Dr. Jones
by GZO
Jones
ZO
Jones is no ordinary guy. Just ask him he'll tell you all
about his murky triumphs back in the day, when beat was spelled
with an upper-case "B" and men like Bukowski and Kerouac
roamed the planet, mighty dinosaurs of the literary sort. But if
his Brazilian Web site (GZO
Jones Town) is any indication ... well, as we like to keep in
mind, Dr. Jones has a way with words, never turns down a good question
and hasn't missed a deadline.
Dear Dr. Jones,
The latest columns seem sorta different. Have you changed drugs
or something?
Signed,
Pondering
Dear P,
To be perfectly honest, I haven't been myself since that late-autumn
jazz festival in Sao Paulo. Two days in, during a set by Older Gentleman
(an Ecuadorian "Joys of Oil" tribute band), I crashed
and burned, which resulted in a three-month binge of sobriety. I
feel so much better now ...
So, on to business. I'm not sure what you people really expect
out of me perhaps it's a comfortable melange of name-dropping,
psychedelic references and fringe politics. Some people actually
want advice from an advice column (shocking!).
Then there are those who, like this recent correspondent, have
various trifles to posit:
1. Mr. Jones, if you were to break down the forms of time into
three categories, what would they be? (You don't need to hold yourself
to three, higher or lower is your choice; three is just a starting
point.)
2. Mr. Jones, this is somewhat of a philosophical riddle that I
thought to send your way and see what conclusion you might achieve.
To prove a given postulate, mathematicians often work backwards
to support comprehension through analysis. Take the following conclusion
of "here equals I," and prove either with questions or
statements how one would arrive at this answer.
3. Mr. Jones, if a news broadcast is a translation of an event
and the written word is a translation of a concept then the actual
experience of an event is a translation of ________.
4. Mr. Jones, if a blossoming flower is contained in the bulb,
then my Now is related to the future by _______.
Whoa, camel! First off, that's Doctor Jones to you. I
didn't spend five minutes e-mailing the ULC to be called mister,
thank you very much.
Most
people claiming to be philosophers really have one thing going
they're trying to be clever. That's why we have Kerouac,
Bukowski ... and this month's joker. |
Casual readers may forget where I attended seminary in my misguided
past: 'twas the Jesuit college in Rome (named after the angelic
doctor hisself). Anyway, I long ago abandoned philosophy as a strict
discipline. But I feel capable of answering this semblance of challenge.
Most people claiming to be philosophers really have one thing
going they're trying to be clever. That's why we have Kerouac,
Bukowski ... and this month's joker.
None of these "philosophical riddles" are indeed even
that. They are quasi-modal exhortations that just itch for bricolage,
and most armchair philosophers will begin a biased textual reading
without realizing they're doing it.
Now, I long ago rejected positivism and fully feel that
all philosophical disciplines are subordinate to metaphysics. I
agree with good ol' Luddy Wittgenstein, that our chief tool of philosophical
understanding is linguistic analysis, by way of questioning ambiguities
and removing needless jargon.
There's no need for a philosophical proposition, no matter how
numinous, to be needlessly esoteric. And these four items are just
that, which is an awkward approach for someone desiring a static
logic-based interpretation, as I guess our friend, P, is.
Sorry to disappoint you, chief, but I'm simply going to give
some commentary on your philosophical meanderings so the kids can
learn something.
1. Time is a sticky proposition, because we thought we understood
how it worked. Then came quantum entanglement and the shit hit the
ceiling fan. I think there are not just physical kinds of time,
but psychological. Three kinds are a good starting point for most
people raised in the Christian West, but I'll pick six. That's the
number of different types of time mentioned by the clever boys in
Steely Dan. Collect them all!
2. Again, not a riddle, but here goes: You mention "mathematicians"
and "proving." Well, far from being the lost verse of
"The 12 Days of Christmas," it's actually an oxymoron.
Even staunch math whizzes got stymied by Godel's Incompleteness
Theorem, bringing that last rock of certainty crashing down. "Here
equals I" is no proposition as I am aware of them. It's about
as logically sound as "Rutabaga rutabaga fish." I'm sure
some clever Johnny can work out a crowd-pleasing syllogism but,
again, I have no use for logic in philosophy.
3. If, if, if! Here we have two subjects, two undefined
terms, and a futile hope for conclusion in one shiny package! All
of these terms need to be defined before any worthwhile construction
can be made, but it still stonewalls when you hit the term "actual
experience." It's not only the most hotly contested concept
in philosophy but, in my opinion, also the most useless. The proposition
might begin (and any philosophers in the house should be able to
follow):
p=te
q=tc
r=e
(p^q)>r ...
... but you realize that r is essentially a tautology, and the
entire thing is destined for the bottom of the parrot cage. If the
terminology were streamlined and better defined, then we might have
something to work with. If ...
4. The answer is "Blarney." There's another undefined
relationship here, and most guesses (such as answers on an SAT)
would be relatively correct, but it's nothing to make a big philosophical
deal out of. What's really being asked? Wittgenstein is somewhere
rolling in his grave (or twirling in his urn).
Enough of my nonsense. It's time for a homework assignment.
Bearing in mind my feelings on linguocentric metaphysics, go read
Morris Berman and the nonfiction of Umberto Eco. Then come up with
some questions that will make your buddy Dr. Jones scratch the ol'
noggin!
Oh and for the hardcore fans of this column hash
pipe, anal sex, Ginsberg, Monroe Doctrine!
Jones (Dr. Jones)
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