time for love
passing of Ann Landers signals GZO Jones ascent up the crowded
ladder of neophyte advice givers. Hey, a rung is a rung. So rather
than dwell on his claims of living in Brazil, surviving a variety
of nasty ills and rubbing elbows with the best of the bygone Beats,
were just happy that his antics have yet to bring on any litigation.
Check out the GZO
Jones Town Web site to appreciate our concern.
Dear Dr. Jones,
When is the economy going to improve?
More than a little concerned
The economy will pick up when it's good and ready.
Recession comes and goes and, of course, things are on a rocky road
right now. But this is no Great Depression, so you can't just pick
up a rucksack and go Dharma Bumming at your leisure;
that's a given.
I'll bet you a week's ration of whisky, however,
that in squalid and unnamed bars all over the world, legitimate
businessmen are trading suitcases full of Krugerrands for portfolios
of grain futures, then exchanging those futures for manila envelopes
crammed with unmarked, nonsequential rubles.
The circle continues, and somewhere else a new
job is created.
Meanwhile, if the numbskulls running things would
simply legalize and tax the almighty bud, why, we'd solve all kinds
of problems from gang violence to plenty of money for the
school kids all in one fell swoop. All it takes is a little
creative leadership. I hear rumblings that Canada is headed that
But if you still think today is anywhere near bad,
just find some old-timer with real tales of woe the endless
lines around the block, the widespread dispair. And while I hardly
need to remind anyone that I'd rather love than fight, it took a
war to get us out of that one.
It's little things like these that remind you:
Every recession is just a trough in a wave, and the sea has a way
of eventually leveling out.
Dear Dr. Jones,
I like nearly everything about my girlfriend except
that she watches way too much sports on TV. Can you help? Please!
No sports guy
Yours is a sticky question that I sense would be
more at ease on Oprah, or in Ladies' Home Journal with the genders
reversed. Have no fear, though, your dauntless doctor will take
a knowing stab.
While I might normally be inclined to simply suggest
a little role-reversal, you're already knee-deep in all that. Still,
I seem to recall hearing surprisingly similar complaints from beaus
of Ginsberg: genius, controversial poet, activist, cute in a nerdy
sort of way on the one hand; hopelessly paralyzed by ESPN on the
other. The problem I saw again and again was that they all walked
instead of choosing brutal honesty in the hope of exacting acceptable
The tone of your question sounds like you're afraid
of ruining a good thing. But inaction will ruin your good thing
as sure as boozing on an empty gut will get you fall-down drunk.
So take a chance. Be honest and hope for the best ... at very least
you'll have her talking to you (instead of doing the Rangers
Suck chant at the flickering screen).
At the same time, if you two are meant for the
long haul, would it really hurt you to spend five minutes a day
with the sports section? I'm not the biggest of fans, either. But
there are amusing lessons to be learned whenever highly skilled
individuals are pitted against each other in search of quantifiable
Think of it as real-life drama crammed into a test
tube where not all the action happens on the field of play.
You can't get that from pianists or painters or nearly any other
earthly endeavor you might name. And you can't fake a ninth-inning
home run or a three-point jump shot while the clock runs out.
We've all heard it said that there's no such thing
as a bad orgasm. Yet some are clearly better than others, and one
of the most memorable lovemaking sessions this tailgater has enjoyed
came on the heels of an unlikely and long-ago World Series triumph
by my former hometown team.
But that's perhaps a story best saved for some
future rain delay ...
Aside from all that, my boy, count your blessings!
Don't you realize how many men would kill to be in your shoes?