No time for love

he passing of Ann Landers signals GZO Jones’ ascent up the crowded ladder of neophyte advice givers. Hey, a rung is a rung. So rather than dwell on his claims of living in Brazil, surviving a variety of nasty ills and rubbing elbows with the best of the bygone Beats, we’re just happy that his antics have yet to bring on any litigation. Check out the GZO Jones Town Web site to appreciate our concern.

Dear Dr. Jones,

When is the economy going to improve?

Signed,
More than a little concerned

Dear Concerned,

The economy will pick up when it's good and ready. Recession comes and goes and, of course, things are on a rocky road right now. But this is no Great Depression, so you can't just pick up a rucksack and go “Dharma Bumming” at your leisure; that's a given.

I'll bet you a week's ration of whisky, however, that in squalid and unnamed bars all over the world, “legitimate” businessmen are trading suitcases full of Krugerrands for portfolios of grain futures, then exchanging those futures for manila envelopes crammed with unmarked, nonsequential rubles.

The circle continues, and somewhere else a new job is created.

Meanwhile, if the numbskulls running things would simply legalize and tax the almighty bud, why, we'd solve all kinds of problems – from gang violence to plenty of money for the school kids – all in one fell swoop. All it takes is a little creative leadership. I hear rumblings that Canada is headed that very way.

But if you still think today is anywhere near bad, just find some old-timer with real tales of woe – the endless lines around the block, the widespread dispair. And while I hardly need to remind anyone that I'd rather love than fight, it took a war to get us out of that one.

It's little things like these that remind you: Every recession is just a trough in a wave, and the sea has a way of eventually leveling out.

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

I like nearly everything about my girlfriend – except that she watches way too much sports on TV. Can you help? Please!

Signed,
No sports guy

Dear Guy,

Yours is a sticky question that I sense would be more at ease on Oprah, or in Ladies' Home Journal with the genders reversed. Have no fear, though, your dauntless doctor will take a knowing stab.

While I might normally be inclined to simply suggest a little role-reversal, you're already knee-deep in all that. Still, I seem to recall hearing surprisingly similar complaints from beaus of Ginsberg: genius, controversial poet, activist, cute in a nerdy sort of way on the one hand; hopelessly paralyzed by ESPN on the other. The problem I saw again and again was that they all walked instead of choosing brutal honesty in the hope of exacting acceptable change.

The tone of your question sounds like you're afraid of ruining a good thing. But inaction will ruin your good thing as sure as boozing on an empty gut will get you fall-down drunk. So take a chance. Be honest and hope for the best ... at very least you'll have her talking to you (instead of doing the “Rangers Suck” chant at the flickering screen).

At the same time, if you two are meant for the long haul, would it really hurt you to spend five minutes a day with the sports section? I'm not the biggest of fans, either. But there are amusing lessons to be learned whenever highly skilled individuals are pitted against each other in search of quantifiable results.

Think of it as real-life drama crammed into a test tube – where not all the action happens on the field of play. You can't get that from pianists or painters or nearly any other earthly endeavor you might name. And you can't fake a ninth-inning home run or a three-point jump shot while the clock runs out.

We've all heard it said that there's no such thing as a bad orgasm. Yet some are clearly better than others, and one of the most memorable lovemaking sessions this tailgater has enjoyed came on the heels of an unlikely and long-ago World Series triumph by my former hometown team.

But that's perhaps a story best saved for some future rain delay ...

Aside from all that, my boy, count your blessings! Don't you realize how many men would kill to be in your shoes?

– Jones