Need a fresh perspective to get you through those difficult moments of life and love? GZO Jones may just be your man. He corresponds from Brazil while dealing with a series of health and visa issues that may or may not be related to the ’60s, but we think you'll find his advice anything but foreign. Find out more at the GZO Jones Town Web site. And don’t be shy with your questions ... Dr. Jones has heard it all. You got a problem with that?

Dear Dr Jones,

Jesus, what's up with furries? Or plushies or whatever? I'm starting to get sick of hearing about it.

Signed,
To Hell With That

Dear THWT,

What's up? I'm not sure I can say. This is a recent movement in the sexual revolution, and one to which I'm not particularly partial. If you've never heard of them, here's a brief overview: "Plushies" describes a rather unassuming childhood peccadillo – that of having sexual intercourse with a stuffed animal. No matter how you slice it, it's still "taking matters into your own hands." It would begin and end with that, but unfortunately this pastime grew into something more strange ...

"Furries" takes the stuffed animal business into a fourth dimension of weirdness. Large numbers of perverts will gather together in animal costumes outfitted with strategic openings. You can imagine what happens when someone switches on the Barry White CD.
This bizarro practice is gaining steam, with coverage on MTV and in the alternative press. My thinking is that the Internet has jaded us to a point where our rebellions are no longer shocking, only silly. So, that's what's up with furries.

On that subject, I do have a brief anecdote. At a Greenwich Village masquerade ball in '91, I attended as a wild west outlaw (black hat, duster, boots, etc.) but with the mask and gloves from a gorilla suit. I chased a beautiful geisha girl for an hour and a half before finally cornering her on a veranda and enjoying her, Roman fashion. Never let it be said that I'm not talking from experience!

– Jones

Dear Dr. Jones,

Normally I go in for literate, hot older guys. But the whole man-of-mystery schtick is wearing kind of thin. What did you do to get exiled to Brazil, and what does the GZO stand for? Who are you really? This should be good ...

Signed,
24-year-old Doubtful Disbeliever

Dear 24 DD,

I'm not going to tell you what I did to earn this tropical luxury mansion that is my gulag. Rumor, threats and indictments are all impermanent things, not unlike the wind. For me to describe exactly what happened (and on the Internet, of all places) would be the kiss of death. So, to stave off your curiosity, I'll offer the following tidbits – all of which you can take to the bank:

• I was born in Fort Oglethorpe, Ga.
• I attended seminary at the Collegio de St. Thomas Aquinas in Rome.
• The Professor X marijuana essays, attributed to Carl Sagan, were actually written by me.
• I own 13 classic Triumph motorcycles.
• I produced the knot on Lucien Carr's forehead with a carelessly thrown rock.
• In some parts of the Amazon, my title of "brujo" gives me access to forbidden burial grounds.

That should keep you satisfied for now. And as for the GZO, well … keep reading and you will be rewarded.

– Jones